August 2007

2007-08-31 Friday

Money matters.

Maybe I'm taking the whole horoscope thing too seriously, but knowing that Saturn is moving into Virgo (my house of money) for two years starting next month is making me think more about money than ever.  I would say this time last year, aside from school and work, I was most preoccupied with adding "key" and "investment" pieces to my very basic wardrobe.  Also this time last year I just turned 30 and lived a frenzy of suddenly intensive skin, hair and nail care as my preemptive strike against aging.

Anyway, I'm settling into the whole "I'm in my 30s" thing now.  Not to say that I'm not a bit resentful and stressed that I haven't accomplished, at this age, what I thought I would accomplish years ago, but I've found that other than regular, sensible maintenance, there's really not much I can do to prevent physical aging.  I wear sunblock daily, trim my hair once every two months, and do my own pedicure.  What else is there, really?  And I already have "key" and "investment" pieces in my closet.

Perhaps because my love life is one thing that I know I cannot force, I'm starting to concentrate on money.  School is all very well but at this point, it's a stepping stone to a (hopefully) stable career. 

I think of people in my family as clever, hardworking people, but at most half of us are academically successful, mainly because many people in my family don't have personalities that fit easily into the school setting.  My brother, for example, can't sit still for two minutes at a time and can't seem to stop talking.  He also loves to be the center of attention and is always the class clown.  I think he's very special but somehow school has never treated him well.

Anyway, my family offers prime examples of how school does not equate success in life.  Half of us who do okay at school end up in conventionally more respectable jobs, but the other half do quite well by finishing 2-year or 4-year colleges, if they go to college at all.  By developing expertise in their field, nurturing their personal relationships both in and out of work, and saving their money wisely, every one in my family owns his or her own property, often with mortgages almost paid off.  In fact, both my mother and my younger brother have completely paid off their properties and now charge rent that helps support their lifestyles.

Even though I'm not working full-time yet, I want to start living frugally now.  Just like people who say we shouldn't put off living our lives until we have the perfect body, I don't want to put off saving until I start making real money.  Ideally I should be saving no matter how much money I earn.  It's time to buckle down so I won't end up the only one left behind.

2007-08-27 Monday

Living by my horoscope.

As an avid Harry Potter fan (of the books, not the movies), I know how one of my favorite heroes poo-poos astrology and divination.  However, I love reading good horoscopes and look forward to them, particularly monthly ones which I find to be most accurate.  (My favorite horoscopes are from Astrologyzone.com and Bridgettwalther.com.)

Just like Harry Potter (and I believe, J.K. Rowling), my birthday lies at the end of July.  This means I am a Leo.  According to astrology, Saturn spent the last two years in Leo and that caused a lot of hardships for people of my sign.

Saturn will leave this September and only wreck havoc in Leo's financial sector instead, regarded as much better than wrecking havoc in all aspects of one's life.  This may or may not explain why I had major surgery beginning of 2006, my dissertation "year" now stretched into "year 2" (usually unnecessary for social science Ph.D. candidates), and that my heart was for sure broken twice within the last year (not counting the guy I talked about in the entry below, that was just a disappointment, not heartbreak).

Looking forward to Saturn's departure.  Sigh.

2007-08-22 Wednesday

When he's just not that into me... except physically.

I've passed the first three weeks of this month in a depression, because my latest man failed to deliver - again.

Studying and working in the social sciences, I don't meet single men at all.  I understand that they're all over on campus but for one reason or another I never have meet-cute moments.  Before I knew it, I had gone for years without a serious boyfriend (my last serious relationship, which resulted in a broken engagement, ended when I was 25 and I've only had a few dates in the meantime).  When I turned 30 last year I finally decided my lack of a romantic life was unacceptable, so I joined Match.com.

Ever since then I hardly went one week without a date.  Altogether I dated something like three dozen over one year, with maybe half a dozen that I dated for at least two months.  But then something usually happens.  Either they fade away (and I don't contact men who fade away) or I end up writing the "it's not you it's me" e-mail.

Is it really harder to find love online because you always think you can find someone else, someone better?  Yet I personally know three girlfriends who got married off Match.com.

However, not to be cynical or anything, all three of them are also high-paying medical doctors who married men making less money than they do.  Two of the guys ended up becoming stay-at-home dads who worked part-time from home.

Now I really applaud the whole sexual equality thing.  I love that men can be supportive stay-at-home husbands.  But maybe because they were willing to stay home since the beginning, they also saw my girlfriends' reliable career and paycheck as a big plus, that was why all three of my girlfriends met their husbands and got married within a year? 

Let me preface this by saying that I am going to be bitchy.  So here's me being bitchy: I am, quite frankly, at least as physically attractive as those girlfriends of mine, if not more.  And while I don't claim to be the life of a party, I'm quite pleasant to be around and can talk easily to anyone.  At least half of my first dates online turn into second and third dates, so I know physical attractiveness is not an issue, despite my body image troubles and whatnot.

But maybe I can't keep quality men because I'm still at an uncertain stage in my life, being a grad student and having yet to find a stable full-time job?  I do feel that the men I date who turn out the most clinging are also the least successful financially.  The ones who earn good money take rejection well and don't bug me again, if they weren't the one to fade away originally.  (All the men I've dated online are highly educated, which is not a strict requirement on my part but I guess my own advanced degree may turn off lots of men.)

Maybe now that I'm past 30, men are more unwilling to waste my time if they don't see me as a long-term prospect (hopefully).  I'm cute enough to date and for them to ask sexual favors from (which I've been good with saying no to, except for a slip-up or two *cough cough*), and I know that my family background is respectable, yet I'm not financially attractive enough for them to date seriously, like for marriage.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.  I certainly hope so.  I'm doing the right thing - multi-dating, living a full life, keeping boundaries.  I try to not put all my eggs in one basket and all my hope on one man, but I admit that even though I'm meeting three men right now, there's one man that I went out with all last month that I really like.  He also stopped calling regularly for the last three weeks - the phone calls tapered off and he always wanted to meet at his place for a romantic evening, which I rejected every time he made the suggestion.  I would suggest an outing during the day instead and he'd reject that, then wouldn't call for another week.

It's always hard when there's someone I wish can be more special than all others.  Dealing with rejection is part of the dating game, but I still don't enjoy it.  I can only think about how I generally didn't dislike the men I rejected, just didn't feel a connection with them or sense long-term potential.  But it's still hard.

And I hope it's not because, after several fun and happy dates, this man asked me about my potential income and it turned out to be half of what he expected.  And that was the last time we went out on a real date and ever since then, all I got from him were "romantic evening" invites.

It hurts.

2007-08-10 Friday

To live in debt.

For the first time in my life, I took out a loan from a friend.

I was raised to believe that relationships and money don't mix and I should never borrow from or lend to friends and family.  Up to now, I've been good following that rule.  Well, I did lend friends some money, never more than a few hundred and they've always paid me back, but I've been careful to never borrow any.

However, I've currently completely run out of savings.  In fact I accidentally overspent money in my bank account and I'm now the proud owner of an ATM slip that says NEGATIVE three hundred dollars.  My monthly income failed to stretch to cover extra expenses (mostly from unanticipated car trouble) and I won't get grant money from school until maybe end of September, so I borrowed $2000 from a close doctor friend.

I hate it.  The money is nothing to her, she earns more than five times that amount each month, but it's a lot of money to me and for whatever reason (maybe my own insecurities), I feel inferior for taking her money.  I have taken money so far only from my mom and my grandpa, who both raised me and were the closest family to me, but I didn't feel inferior for taking their money because I always figured that I'll support them in their old age and pay them back that way.

I want to use this little personal space to vow to pay the money back as soon as I can.  This debt must take priority over silly things like food and clothes.  I will eat Top Ramen, peanut butter sandwiches, and Washington apples for as long as I have to.  I must pay back the debt.

And I must never forget to be grateful that I have friends who are willing to help me in my moment of need.  I am truly thankful.

2007-08-02 Thursday

No more fear.

I consider my life sort of at a low point.  There are still many things I'm thankful for, like my health, family and friends, but I'm also broke with a stagnating Ph.D. dissertation, no long-term boyfriend on the horizon either. 

What I really don't like is being uncertain, the whole fear of the unknown thing.  I don't know how my life is going to be a year from now, two years from now, five, or ten.  A couple of years back I'd confidently say that I'd be doing solid academic research and perhaps nurturing a good long-term romantic relationship on the side, but recently I feel beaten down by Life and can no longer say anything with confidence.

It's time to get out of this rut I'm in and that starts with my mind.  No matter what the future holds for me, I shall count no day wasted as long as I live it with courage and honesty.