July 2007

2007-07-24 Tuesday

My basic wardrobe.

In a previous incarnation of this online journal I wrote a bit about my wardrobe.  Because I'm a sheep and follow the whole fashion/style thing closely, I plan on talking a lot about my own fashion/style choices here.  My closest family and friends are all very serious people who go into Ann Taylor and/or Talbots once or twice a year, purchase entire outfits, not have fun during the whole process, and call it a day, so it's not much fun talking fashion to them.

Anyway, I'm very proud of my original basic wardrobe (which has since grown).  A couple of years ago when I decided to go back to school and get a Ph.D., I quite my full-time job and moved twice in one year.  In the two moves I got rid of a lot of my personal belongings, including clothes, and I ended up with some casual and completely inappropriate pieces for my new life as a full-time grad student and part-time research assistant who has to dress from business casual (for working in an office) to business (for making presentations) each day.  I gave myself a complete wardrobe makeover and slowly accumulated the following basic wardrobe over a year or two:

(1) At least one good leather bag big enough for papers and even my laptop in a pinch.  I started with a tote and now also have a briefcase.

(2) Pointy-toe pumps in plain leather and with a low heel.  One pair in black and another in nude.  They go with pants and skirts of all different widths and lengths and are more versatile than loafers or round-toe shoes.  Because a pointy-toe is lengthening to the leg, I could get away with a low heel (around an inch).  I seriously relied on two pairs of shoes for work the entire year.  I did also have a pair of work out sneakers for the gym and a pair of sandals for the weekend, but that was it for more than a year.

(3) A handful of suits.  I splurged on an Ann Taylor black triacetate suit (with two skirts and a dress) that I wore almost exclusively (combined with one Target suit mentioned later) for several months, eventually also adding a Benetton blue suit with both pants and a skirt (on sale), and two suits from Target, one grey and one pinstripe (also with pants and a skirt).  These are seriously all I wore for two years and I always got complimented by people who don't see me every day.

(4) A dozen tee-shirts.  I know some people love button-down shirts but they are not for me since they never button right over my D-cups, so I rely on tee-shirts instead.  I always maintain at least two Eileen Fisher stretch silk tees in my closet, with one of them being black.  I also like J. Crew perfect tees and the A.N.A. stretch cotton tees from J.C. Penny (they are shorter in the torso so may not be right for taller people).  I chose stretch silk and cotton over knits because I needed my tees to work in all seasons and knits don't work as well during warmer days.  Once again, I got by with nothing but tee-shirts day in and day out and since I mostly bought neutral colors, no one was the wiser (I hope).

(5) Two pairs of Levis jeans for the weekend that I wore with tee-shirts, plus a few matching tracksuits from Target that I wore at home and to the gym. 

That was it!  To this day (a few years later) I'm still very proud of surviving purely on that super-basic wardrobe for almost two years.  Over the years I added more pieces but all my suits are still in regular rotation.  My leather bags are a bit worn-looking but still strong and serviceable.  By washing my tees in gentle cycle and lining them up to dry, many of them lasted for years with minimum fading as well.  I did have to replace my two pairs of pumps each year even though I take them to the shoe-repair shop during the year, because they get too worn-looking and I believe in perfectly fresh-looking shoes with no scuffs. 

2007-07-16 Monday

More about (my) weight.

Just to have a reference point, I am 5'5" (166 cm - I was measured at my last physical down to the last centimeter), and 135 lbs plus or minus 3 lbs or so.  Because sizing is so messed up nowadays I cannot say exactly what dress size I am.  When I was fitted for bridesmaid dresses at David's Bridal, Jessica McClintock and Nordstrom, I took either size 8 or 10 (I also wear a D cup).  At stores that believe in vanity sizing, like Old Navy, Gap and DKNY, I'm usually a 4-6.  At teenybopper stores like Forever 21 or Wet Seal I wear either a Medium or a Large.

I've never used Fitday to calculate my daily calorie intake, but I'm sure I eat more than 2500 calories each day.  Usually I get by on this for weeks at a time then I'll suddenly notice a 3-5 lb gain, then I go on a restrictive diet for a week and the weight drops back to my comfort level.

When I'm on a restrictive diet (which is usually 5 days out of each month), I eat fruit for breakfast and a salad (with a little oil and vinegar only) for either lunch or dinner.  For the other meal I'll eat fish, either steamed or raw (sashimi).  If I get hungry I'll eat one more meal (not snack) of either salad or fruit, but that's it. 

I do get hungry on the restrictive diet described above, no matter how much (supposedly almost zero calorie) salad I consume.  I can eat lettuce, cucumber and baby carrots by the truckload and be full for a while, but usually an hour or two after my body knows it's been fooled and my stomach growls in protest. 

I hate being hungry and it's hard on me.  I feel lucky that being semi-hungry for 5 days out of, say, a month is usually good enough to get my weight back in the safe range, but I can easily imagine people who are more hungry than me on the same amount of calories or may require more days on a restrictive diet to drop the same amount of weight.  I can say for certain that if I can only lose weight by eating less than what I described and for a longer period of time, I don't know if I can do it.  It's more than putting the fork down or pushing the plate away.  Hunger is not funny or easy, it's painful and distracting.  It's not something I feel we should experience on a regular interval.

All my closest girlfriends are thinner than me.  They generally wear a size 4-6 in formalwear and a 0-2 in vanity sizes.  They are satisfied with less food and often remind me when we're together for me to eat, because they know that I need food more regularly than they do.  Left to themselves they can not eat for ever and ever.  According to them they don't like feeling full and are most comfortable with being a little hungry, though they will eat when they get very hungry.

I described my friends not to envy them or to doubt what they say.  I believe them.  I also know how I feel about food because... it's me so I know.  Obviously we all relate and need food in different ways and once again, my point is that there is no better or worse and really no place for anyone to criticize someone different.  We're just all at different places on a continuum.

2007-07-11 Wednesday

The whole weight thing.

People talk about their weight all the time and I've been known to comment on my own weight.  Yet whenever I review those comments they are never true, because I act like a chameleon and talk about weight in a way to blend in.

If people talk about how health-conscious they are, then I talk about my exercise regimen and diet.  I also talk about the risks of obesity.

If people talk about how frustrated they are with their weight, then I share my own frustrations and how Hollywood has distorted our view of the female body.

Sometimes I almost forget how I truly feel about my body or the female body in general.

I will spare everyone the whole "I've never been thin" blah blah blah.  Yeah, I've never been thin but I have hung around long enough to know that my body issues are nothing to speak of compared to people who truly struggle.  The reality is, I have never been very, very fat, so I have no business talking about obesity.  I have no business putting down people who deal with issues I cannot even fathom.  (This theory does not only apply to weight, but to most everything in life.)

The whole ease of weight control is a continuum and we're all somewhere on it.  It's either harder or easier for someone else to control his/her weight compared to me.  How much do other people's weight matter or affect anyone?  Not much really.  Yet why are people so fascinated?

I have never been thin because I hate exercising.  I know the benefits of exercise and I know many people enjoy it, but I don't.  I don't like to sweat and I don't like my muscles sore.  I have never experienced runner's high even though I used to run quite a bit. 

On the other hand, half my family (immediate and extended) love exercising.  They love to run around in the sun, play sports, splash in the ocean, and sweat like a pig.  This releases stress for them somehow.  They would rather exercise (they think of it more as being active/having fun than exercising) than to study or work.

I always loved studying.  I can read for hours, including books whose language is considered dry and academic.  When I read innovative research papers I get so excited my hands shake.  The main reason I chose a career in academic research is because I've always been successful in the classroom setting, what with my love for reading and writing (and yes, even working with numbers).  Many in my family aren't good at school because they can't sit still and they don't like to read.  When they see me reading they shake their heads and think I must be suffering.

What I'm trying to say is that different people enjoy different things and even though I will never know how people who enjoy exercise really feel when they exercise, I can only imagine they are as happy exercising as when I'm reading.  In this way, I have no place criticizing people for not incorporating reading into their lives or sitting in school getting advanced degrees, because it's not something they enjoy doing with their lives.  Just like I don't want people criticizing me for not enjoying exercise.

At the same time, I know the importance of exercise so I have a gym membership and go at least twice a week.  I'm least offended by aerobics classes (hating weight machines with a passion) so I usually attend a class, then swim a bit and sit in the steam room to nurture my skin.  Likewise, the active people in my family may dislike sitting in a classroom but because they know the importance of education, they suffer and at least get through college.

This is not to say that people who eschew college are anything less.  They often develop their talents and skills in other ways and are still successful in life.  Just like people who hardly formally exercise should not be ridiculed or attacked.  They may choose activities that don't seem like exercise at all, like gardening, housecleaning or sculpting.  We're just all at different places on a continuum.

2007-07-01 Sunday

Why this?

People journal online for many reasons but I always think that a personal online journal (nowadays some people say they blog, but many "personal blogs" are really journals as they don't inform other than about the author's private life) is usually written either for (1) oneself, in which case the journal tends to be more negative because people are venting or (2) an audience, in which case the author tends to more positive because readers in general are attracted to positivity.

I am writing for myself and I plan on venting.  Years ago I headed a website and a forum.  It wasn't hugely popular but I had a small following.  However, eventually I couldn't handle the accountability and stepped down.  I know for a fact I cannot work as a professional journalist because I get tired of writing to an audience every day.  When I'm busy with school, work or my social life, I don't want to write to or for other people.  I do keep a personal journal where I record the most mundane and private stuff that I would never share with another human being, ever.  I write in it every day and have done so for years.  I don't get tired of that.

I want this online journal to serve a different purpose.  In real life I prefer not to dispense or receive (too much) advice.  I like to interpret and learn life's lessons myself and I believe everyone should do the same.  I hate it when people want to teach someone a lesson or want someone to learn a lesson.  I don't like the whole "enforce your own views on others" thing.  It's one thing to think those thoughts to oneself but I hate it when people voice those thoughts, especially (I will admit) when those views are forced onto me.

However, it can be tiring and/or repressive to not voice opinions, or at least opinions that matter.  Because we know that opinions on trivial issues don't matter to anyone and therefore do not offend.  I don't want to start voicing my own narrow (and perhaps negative) views on others, but I'd like to voice those views somewhere and my own private journal is not the right place.  THAT I reserve for "dear diary" stuff like what I wore, ate, did, and thought about my boy-of-the-moment.

So I will do it here.  I will write and express my opinions and feelings, all the most narrow, biased, unreasonable ones.  Just into the void, really.  Not for an audience, not to connect, not to appear intelligent or even civilized, and not to be held accountable for.